Fatherless daughters fight an uphill battle for position among women who have loving histories with their fathers. Those fortunate women are seemingly more able to submit in relationships. They know exactly what types of relationships are healthy and what types are not. In fact, they are less likely to settle into relationships that do not mirror the love and caring shown to them by their own fathers during early childhood.
“A man craves honor and respect. That’s kryptonite to a man! If you submit to your man, there’s no way on this earth that he won’t give you his all, everyday,”
I received an alert on my phone this morning that read “Apostle Elect McNeely is live” (on Periscope). Eager to tune in, I tapped the link and began to listen to his philosophy on what men want in women. I immediately realized one major fact: The likelihood that I’ll remarry is almost ZERO. Not because I don’t want to be, but because his and many others’ ideas of submission does not look nor sound like the woman who I am…and I am fine with that.
He says that a woman’s makeup – her mentality, her ability to submit comes from her relationship with her “daddy.” What about the fatherless? Then, if this is the case, the game is already over for me, which explains lots of things. Eventually, he went on the say that, “A man craves honor and respect. That’s kryptonite to a man! If you submit to your man, there’s no way on this earth that he won’t give you his all, everyday,” (or something to that effect).
On Being Fatherless
Being fatherless comes in different packages. Absent altogether, in and out, deceased, or even in the home but not emotionally present, all fit the bill. The first memory (of a total of only about three) I have of (the man I THOUGHT) my real father was went like this:
I was no more than two years old (Yes, two. Numero dos. My memory is unbelievable, and probably for a divine reason). My mom sat in a folding chair near the front door with me in her lap, waiting for him to arrive.
It was a summer evening at dusk – the sun just setting and casting an amber hue over the front porch. Suddenly, his dark presence cast a shadow over us as he stood in the doorway. So ironic. He was a tall, white-haired man, fair-skinned, thin and was handsome like the looks of Vidal Sassoon.
In an instant, I could feel mom’s energy change and the tension between the two of them, and I didn’t even know, at the time, what tension was. Her smooth skin was suddenly wrought with furrows in her brow. Her breathing deepened, as if she were bracing for impact. I remember the short conversation held between them just seconds after he arrived, and it shook me.
I do not know if whether I was more bothered by the statements he made to mom, or if I was mad at her for actually doing it. She submitted. She literally shut up, as if she was afraid to speak.
“Umph Joan, it’s time for you to get ready for bed,” my mom said. I was stunned! The tears began to organize themselves in my belly and had begun to rise up through my chest, but in one sentence, they immediately came to a screeching halt!
“Shut the hell up, Beulah!”
His voice sounded like thunder. My heart jumped. Why was he talking to my mommy like that?
“Give her here!”
We stood by the doorway. I looked back down at mom who seemingly avoided eye contact with him. I wanted to be back in her lap. His arms were like steel. They weren’t soft and caring like hers. So, as most babies do when they aren’t “feeling you”, I planted the palms of my hands firmly on his chest and stretched my arms out, locking my elbows to push myself back. I didn’t want to feel his breath nor stubble of his beard on my face. I didn’t want to lie closely to his chest.
I didn’t want his hands on me, period, especially after that awkward exchange with my mommy. Oddly enough, I do not know if whether I was more bothered his statements to mom, or if I was mad that she actually did it. She submitted. She literally shut up, as if she was afraid to speak.
Never let a man talk down to you, and if you do, you are weak.
Of course, I cannot ignore the question, why would she say that it was time to go to bed the minute he got there to see me? Who knows? Maybe he was hours late. Perhaps they had argued on the phone. Maybe even mom saw him in town with another woman earlier in the day, or worse: with his wife.
The bottom line is, anytime a man (in relationships) talks down to me for any reason, a part of me goes back to that evening in 1977. I am more likely to rebel than to submit. I don’t apologize for the inability to stay in my place. I don’t apologize for being a survivor nor a warrior. I only apologize for not knowing how to navigate through the jungle called, “Knowing How to Be.” I attribute most of this to being in fact, fatherless.
However, because I do love myself, and because I know that God makes no mistakes, this is my philosophy: If the woman I’ve become as a result of my experiences during my formative years doesn’t fall into the “What Men Look for in Women” category, again: I am fine with that.
I will say that I was blessed to have a great stepfather/uncle in my life from age ten on. So at least, all was not lost!
Watch Apostle Elect McNeely on Periscope, as he discusses the devil’s impact on our modern views on submission. What do you think of his views?
Until next time…
22 thoughts on “Fatherless Daughters: How to Understand the Male Species”
Although, I had a dad at home, he was not really involved and our relationship was not the best. However, I was able to find someone who did exemplify what I wanted in a partner, who has never asked me to submit. We are partners who compromise and work together. I am sorry your father spoke so harshly to your mother and the Apostle is preaching a one size fits all box for women. I’m glad you are comfortable with who you are and if someone comes along who respects that person you are able to work together.
Thank you! I do not agree with all of his statements. They actually make me solid in who I am, and I am really okay if I fly solo. I see so many women compromising who they are for the sake of having and keeping a man. It just doesn’t resonate in my head as something logical.
This is a very good read. Insightful!
Some of this rings loudly in my soul, because I had a stepfather at home that was distant, but a great provider. However, I suffered immensely by never having an eye to eye memory of my biological father. You see he denied my existence until he was dying. By then I was fully accepting of never knowing him as a man much less a father. Have I had issues? Yes, I trust but don’t trust. I believe I can do it all by myself. It is nice to have a man, but I sure as heck don’t need him. But then I realized I do need him because as a woman my spiritual self requires that complement. The key is having a man that sheds all those negative pictures you have developed due to toxic relationships of the past. We are strong and have an innate ability to survive!
Precisely, Cindy. Not one who learns about the negative pictures and punishes you for them.
My father was in and out of prison for the most of my life, up until the time that he passed away early Christmas morning in 2002. I will say that I have never heard my dad talk down to my mom before though. Now as you know, my mother did marry a man similar to this. I think seeing the way that he treated my mom, and me, plays a major role in my relationships. The Apostle is pretty much saying that all men operate the same way and I don’t believe that. I believe some men see submission as a weakness and they will definitely take advantage of that. Be who are you are. I believe there is someone for everyone. Don’t settle.
Well said, Jessica.
I don’t agree with his statements either. I grew up with my dad at home and I was daddy’s little girl until I hit the teenage years and thought I was too grown for that. My mom did not submit to him and I will never submit to a man. My dad would flip over in his freaking grave if I allowed a man to talk down to me and I did or said nothing about it. I’m sorry, I just wasn’t raised that way and it’s not in me to do it!
Good for you! I think it’s the messages like those that make women feel rebellious when it comes to submission.
I didn’t watch the video. However Melissa, when you say “submit” it doesn’t mean him talking down to her. Some people assume submission is to manipulate and control women or be abusive. Unfortunately, some Christian leaders have contributed to this false concept of submission by overlooking the husband’s obligation to love his wife. Thanks to my parents, I was raised to be independent and to not depend on a man, but, I was also raised to respect & love my husband (the leader of the home). My understanding of submission would be: husbands love their wives by protecting, cherishing, serving them AND compromising while wives submit to their husbands out of respect and love. A marriage is a team where the husband is the coach and (the wife) is the mouthy, very opinionated, yet gifted player! lol Great blog Joan!
I appreciate your insights Natalie! Please come again!
Although my father was in my life….and we do have a good relationship..I can’t see myself as “submitting” to my husband..because we are supposed to be equally yoked. A relationship shouldn’t be about “tyranny”..it should be about love…compassion and friendship…you will find someone that is equally yoked…not only financially…but spiritually…thus was a great read!!
The Bible tells men to do this: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—
I WOULD SUBMIT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY if my husband were this person.
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Same here, Sherese.
Same here, Sherese…
This is the second blog I have read of your. You are a really good writer. I love this blog!!!
I do think that women do sometimes put up with certain relationships because of the relationship they had with their dads. Some women feel like they have to submit to their man because they think that’s the only way the
“MAN” would love them back, and the submission would prove to the man, how much they love the man in return.
I remember asking a friend once, “Why do you let your boyfriend talk horrible to you and call you out of your name?!” She would reply, “Oh, he’s just playing, he loves me!!”. I told her, that’s not LOVE!!!
She was basically looking for a man to love her, she admitted not having a father figure around (other than sorry boyfriends her mom had around )and thought that was the way she was supposed to be treated, and sadly, she thought that was LOVE!!
Wow! You should subscribe. Yes, lots of us have no idea what real love is supposed to look like, internally. Sad but true.
Joan, this was a great read! I don’t necessarily agree with his views. I grew up in a two parent home. My father was very present in my life but I am far from SUBMISSIVE! I have had bad relationships but that’s life. I can’t say and wouldn’t dare contribute the demise of my past relationships to the one I had/have with my dad!
Thank you for sharing this with us. I know that you are in a place of confidence. Keep writing and sharing!
Thank you Jaime! You? Submissive, no… Healthy sense of confidence? Absolutely!
A great read. However, being submissive and being talked down are two different things. I had my father at home during my childhood, however my daughters didn’t and their views on relationships mirrors mine. So, I don’t agree him.
As you already know, this rattles a cage or two for me. I was fortunate to have had my father in my life during the very early years but by the time I turned 6 years old he was out. From that point he was in and out of my life, which left me broken each time he would decide to leave. During the short visits (6 months max.), he was abusive to my mother, mentally, emotionally and physically. She says she loved him, I say she felt like she needed him. Whichever was the case he wanted for nothing, she was submissive and catered to his every want and need, which I thought was incredibly ridiculous and CRAZY AS HELL!! (Note to my 8yr old self: this will not be me.) As I went through my teen years I dated guys and was not quite sure what it was I was looking for but definitely not that. As a result, just like many other women from similar circumstances, validation from a man was in order; so they say. I thank God for showing me that validation is deserving because I am His child and not because of what any man, woman, boy or child says or thinks.
With that being said, I am fortunate to have a wonderful man that loves me with all my good and bad. Just like any other couple we have our differences but we compromise and work hard as partners and get through them. Being submissive is not a difficult task if love is first.
I have to apologize – the use of kryptonite in the quote at the top is confusing to me. If I remember correctly kryptonite made Superman weak and pretty much made a mess of him – it kind of “destroyed” him.
In the first quote it appears that the first sentence appears to FUEL / ENCOURAGE or BRING ABOUT the third sentence – the third sentence being something VERY GOOD and the opposite of what kryptonite did to Superman.
I am NOT saying the content of the first quote is wrong – I’m saying I’m confused and I feel like I’m missing something here.
If you would clarify what it is I’m missing, I would be grateful.